Where has the time gone? It was almost a year ago that I received an email from a television show that offered to help search for my supposed Vietnamese foster mother. The application requires a large amount of personal information. I start to fill it out, then stop, start filling it out again, then stop again. My mind seems trapped in the risk/benefit analysis of giving up my privacy to complete strangers and the slim chance of finding a woman who isn’t even my mother.
During my interview with John Safran, he brought up the subject of privacy rights vs. birth searches. I wish I’d had the presence of mind to convey the thoughts I’d expressed in an earlier conversation with a fellow adoptee. Some people seem to focus on the privacy of parents over the need for an adoptee to know, but there’s more to it than that. Many adoptees have to give up their privacy in order to even begin a search. Many of us have to trust complete strangers with information of which we’re usually very protective. We become ripe for exploitation. Then there’s that devastating disappointment when nothing is found.
Thinking about it makes me want to scream at woman considering giving up their babies to stop. Do they understand the vulnerable position in which they place us? Did they ever consider it? I’m sure many were convinced they were doing what was best for themselves and their babies. Maybe they were in some situations, but it doesn’t feel like it from where I’m standing now.
Part of me dreads another disappointment. I’ve so far sent out two inquiries. One ran into a dead end. The other never got back to me, not even to tell they were still looking or to say they’d found nothing.
So I waffle back and forth, filling out the form a little each day as I continue to weigh the costs against the potential benefits. I know I’ll eventually send it. How can I not?
7 comments
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November 5, 2008 at 12:47 am
Dom
Searching in Vietnam, for me was pretty much handing over all my documents to the Cholon Peoples Committe in Ho Chi Minh City. All of it, and since the papers were in Viet, they could field their way through it.
Privacy is strange word for APs, adoptees, birth families and strangers we meet. Nothing is private in the world of adoption. Secrets are kept- well that is why we have closed adoptions.
November 7, 2008 at 1:45 pm
sume
I guess I can partially agree, Dom. On one hand, there isn’t much privacy. Potential adoptive parents have to go through invasive home studies, adoptees have to give up tons of info to search, and birth families can be tracked down sometimes, even if they don’t want to be.
On another, I disagree that nothing is private in the world of adoption. Secrets, lies, closed adoptions and even the act of omission create a wall of privacy by their very nature. It’s not impenetrable though. The potential is always there that all of those can be cracked and the truth exposed. Perhaps, that is what you meant?
I don’t believe in closed adoptions, btw. Adoption should be a transparent process. Admittedly, it’s a totally biased opinion. I’m aware of why some would consider them a necessary evil, but I’ve seen how it’s negatively affected too many adoptees to agree.
August 5, 2013 at 4:50 am
Abel
I understand all of the emotions behind this. Have you ever considered trying to submit to a DNA project like 23andme? Although an adoptee myself, who did go through what you have submitted to to find my birth parents, I also wonder if one might be able to find connections, unshakable ones by the way, through a human genome mapping project like 23. Something to think about. I see a lot of posts by adoptees there.
August 29, 2013 at 11:14 pm
Denise Johnston
I like the idea about the DNA project. A ton of adoptees and their biological parents are making matches there, simply by registering. I am doing my own this coming week just because I don’t know much about my biological family history. Even though I know them.
September 11, 2013 at 5:23 pm
Charles
I have long been searching for the information on my biological family. Thanks for an inspiring post.
July 17, 2014 at 11:16 pm
Looking… | Posts
[…] The place has the time gone? It was virtually a yr in the past that I acquired an e-mail from a tv present that provided to assist seek for my supposed Vietnamese foster mom. The appliance requires a considerable amount of private info. I begin to fill it out, then cease, begin filling it out once more, then cease […] Misplaced Baggage […]
July 18, 2014 at 8:35 pm
Looking… | Posts
[…] The place has the time gone? It was virtually a yr in the past that I acquired an e mail from a tv present that provided to assist seek for my supposed Vietnamese foster mom. The appliance requires a considerable amount of private info. I begin to fill it out, then cease, begin filling it out once more, then cease […] Misplaced Baggage […]